Category: Babblings

“What Kind of Brother Are You?”

This is the title of a song by Joe Jencks. You can find the words here. I have it on my iPad, so if you see me at Roller Derby or some other place and want to hear it, I will be happy to play it for you. This song came to my mind after an incident last week that left me feeling like a slightly bad mom. Not as bad a mom as when Maggie started her period and, when she told me, I said, “Are you f*cking kidding me?” Maybe I will tell that story, too, in another post of what NOT to do when your daughter has her first period when you are out of town for your grandfather’s funeral and have been home from the viewing for an hour before she decides to tell and looks at you as if you asked her to skin a kitten when you ask, “Did you tell your grandma so she could get you a pad?”. Errr … I guess that about sums up that experience.

What has me thinking about this song is last week my daughter and my son’s girlfriend’s little sister were “catcalled” in a parking lot of a UDF (local convenience store). Maggie is 15 and Callie is 14. Spencer, Michael’s girlfriend, was already in the car and Michael was walking out with the girls. Now, Maggie has bright blue hair so she is used to attention around her hair. One of the guys said something about her hair and she thanked him for the compliment. They then started whistling and making other comments, though I am not completely sure what was said. Michael walked out of the store and one of the guys said, “Hey, guy, is one of those girls your girlfriend?” Michael responded, “No. One is my sister and the other is my girlfriend’s sister and they are both under 16”. The men, and they were men not teens, rolled their windows up and drove away.

I grew up in a time where things like this were common place. My dad would toot the horn or whistle when he thought  girl was pretty or had a cute figure. I started to talk to Maggie about it … I said that it was not nice that this happened. I mentioned that she had worked hard to change her figure, roller derby has helped that, and that her pants were “skinny jeans” and she did have a cute butt. Callie is a gymnast so you can make inferences there about her figure. I told Maggie that while it still wasn’t acceptable, when I was growing up, it was common and she could be proud of herself for what she has accomplished. She just kept staring at me. I was backtracking but … You know how when you are saying something, and you know it is not quite right when you are saying it, and you are being given a blank stare and you keep on talking and wondering to yourself why you don’t just shut the fuck up? Yeah, that was me.

The conversation moved on. About an hour later, I apologized to Maggie for trying to trivialize her experience. I told her that I don’t know what  was thinking. That what she experienced was, plain and simple, sexual harassment and that it was wrong. (At least I apologize when I mess up with the kids … lol) That it was wrong for men to behave that way and that even if she had been naked, they had no right to comment on her body. Her hair? Yes … she expects to get comments and enjoys them.

I have talked with a few people about this and it was just accepted back when I was growing up (late 70’s). It was something to brag about. To be proud of. I worked at my dad’s doughnut shop starting when I was 13 1/2. It was filled with dirty old men (and some not old dirty old men) so I was certainly used to that mentality from a young age. Even though it made me very uncomfortable at times, I was accustomed to that sort of attention and didn’t know how to deflect it. Besides, I was too meek to speak up about something like that anyway. (Oh just shut up, I know what you are thinking! Yes, me. Really. I have worked so damn hard to be sure Maggie is not meek and has spunk and is not afraid to take someone down, if need be. I have done a pretty damn good job of it, too).

Just how would those men feel if that happened to their daughters or sisters?  Nieces? Mothers? A friend was in the mall with her family when her daughter was still a young teen — she may not have been been 13 yet — when she was oggled by some adult men, until her dad said, “THAT is my 12 year old daughter. Would you like to say that again?” They were chagrined. But, dammit, we shouldn’t have to worry about walking through a mall, out of a convenience store, down the street, ANYWHERE. Our daughters, sisters, mothers, nieces and friends should feel free to walk anywhere they please without fear of sexual harassment. What makes it right? What will it take for our society to become less tolerant of this behavior? Hell, I was even trying to excuse some piggish men to my daughter who was harassed.

Read the words to the song. Buy the album and listen to it (I love the whole CD, truth be told). Play it for the men in your life. Have them listen to it. Maybe if more and more men stop to think about how they are potentially making the women feel, they will stop. Or at least call others of their sex on it. It is degrading.

It would be interesting if others wanted to have a discussion about this, either here on the blog or on FB. It is so important that we, living in this country with such a culture of rape and blaming the victims of rape, start standing up for ourselves. Our sisters. Daughters. Nieces. Friends. Even strangers. No one deserves this treatment. Ever.

 

Don’t Complain, Condemn, or Criticize …

or to put it in a positive light: Praise, Uplift, Delight (as I have as my profile picture on Facebook). One thing I learned when my kids were younger was to phrase things in a positive light: “keep the milk in your cup” instead of “don’t spill your milk” or “play gently with your friends/siblings” instead of “don’t hit!” The thoughts there are that negatives are not processed in the same way. That what is heard is “spill the milk” or “hitting is a good thing!”

My faith community, Tree of Life Community: A UU Congregation, is talking about this very thing this month. Jerry Brinkman made this philosophy of Dale Carnegie his own. He recently passed away as the young age of 83. He will be sorely missed by all who knew him: those at TLCUU, those from the old St. Agnes parish he was a part of for many years, his loving family, his multitude of friends and the community at large. He was wonderful man and someone to admire. Jerry wouldn’t like us to say that about him as he was also very humble.

Some of us are working on keep that feeling alive and are taking on the challenge of praising, uplifting and delighting and seeing how long it takes us to get to 21 days. One thing that is important to note: thoughts don’t count; verbalizing them does. Mary, my pastor, talked about the minister that was the inspiration behind this. You can find more information at this website: Complaint Free World. It is very intriguing. I believe Mary has ordered some bracelets for us to wear. I am using one of my own for the time being.

What I want to discuss, either here or on my Facebook (Facebook will be easier), is the line between statements of fact and condemning, criticizing and complaining. Stating to a child (yes, I have one in mind), “Your side of the room is a pigsty with your clothes all over the floor!” is criticizing. Stating, “Please clean up your clothes” is not praising or delighting but certainly is not a negative thing either.

Relaying a story to a friend or a parent about an interaction with someone can just be a statement of fact, as long as you leave out condemnation, right? What about if you were angry or frustrated at the time of the interaction? Stating the facts, as you saw them, without saying, “And can you believe how they responded??” is just a discussion. Discussing interactions that cause you heartache, or just bring you grief, can help you understand how you reacted, how you could have reacted differently or even make you realize you are really not the crazy one (or at least not in that particular situation).

I think looking at how we communicate with everyone, whether it be a child, a spouse, a co-worker, a manager or someone you manage, is good for all of us. So many of us are seemingly completely unaware of our tone of voice, of how we sound when we answer the phone, of our constant sighing when we are responding to someone. However, other people notice it; especially the one/s we always communicate with in such a negative way.

Even our self-talk is important. Someone pointed out they made a mistake in getting to a destination and she was down on herself. She then realized she would not have been thinking those thoughts if someone else had been driving. So what? She drove two blocks out of her way. It was not that big of a deal. We all do it. “That was stupid of me!” “I am an idiot. Why did I do that?”  Thankfully, self talk (as long as it is not verbalized) doesn’t count against us in this exercise.

We do need to talk about negative things. Things that make us angry. Things that make us sad. We need to bring up behaviors of others that need to be changed for a variety of reasons: you drive too fast and recklessly, not studying will cause you to fail that class and not get into the college of your choice, your lack of customer service will cost you your job or that promotion you were hoping to get, etc. It is HOW we communicate those things with others is important.

Who else is up for the challenge? Who wants to discuss the line between relating an event and criticizing? Personally, I think when I relayed a story at the coffee shop last night, I did a good job of doing it without complaining, condemning or criticizing (well, at least one of the stories!) even though the story I was relaying had made me very angry. While we can’t always praise, uplift and delight in every situation, we can certainly work on not being mean and negative.

I would love to hear your thoughts. Really. Just no complaining, condemning or criticizing. Oh, I am putting my bracelet back on!

2012 Drawing to a Close

I really tried to do a Christmas letter this year. I did. It might even still be saved as a draft post. All I can say: it has been one helluva year. A wild ride, that is for sure. I am glad it is coming to a close and hope that next year (and week!) brings us a year where things continue to look up.

We have a nice home that we love and can share with others. Mom is with us, even though she is in Michigan right now with family. The kids continue thrive at STEM. Maggie loves robotics and has started roller derby. Michael is doing better in school than ever. RJ is working and going to Sinclair, working on a degree in IT.

I am glad to be able to put this year to rest on a (mostly) good note. Christmas at dad’s was fun and chaotic as usual. Mom had a wonderful Christmas this year, both at home and in MI. She ventured out to dad’s with Aunt Dotty on Christmas Eve and enjoyed the chaos of 18-20 of us gathered about. She witnessed dad reading the traditional Christmas Eve story to his two granddaughters (I recorded it, Kelly snapped pictures).  When we woke in the morning, all the stockings were filled and we saw that Santa and brought gifts, had eaten some of the cookies, drank his milk and even fed some carrots to the reindeer. Breakfast was put into the oven and the opening of gifts commenced.

Kelly (my sister), Maggie and I did something we have never done before: went to see a movie. And what a movie it was! Maggie is already clamoring to see it again. We went to see Les Miserables. It was wonderful! She called Kelly and I wimps for crying so much … I called her cold-hearted for not shedding even one tear. Mom and I went to see at the Schuster Center in Dayton one year. I didn’t remember much of it and one particular event dawned on me when they were at the barricade and the young boy started singing. I immediately began crying in anticipation of what was to come. I will own that one.

I am now in planning mode for New Year’s Eve. I typically make many appetizers but am not sure what to make this year. Any good low carb ideas out there? Please share them. RJ won’t be home. Michael won’t be home. Wish I had thought to pull a few people together for a party … maybe next year. I think, instead, I will spend it knitting.

Thanksgiving and other musings

I guess I am on a roll today. Technically, this will be three posts in a matter of hours. Does it count if one was written 3 months ago and one was started a few weeks ago? I thought so …

I last had an A1c in August and was clambering for another one because I just love to watch myself bleed really want to be sure I am doing the right things with my diet and exercise. But let’s not talk about exercise. I will likely have to start over on the torture machine elliptical at 5 minutes again as it has been so long since I have been there.

WalMart has a home A1c test for less than 10 bucks. It comes with a prepaid envelope, loads of instructions that are mostly easy to understand, a couple of sharp implements, an alcohol swab and other various items needed to procure blood from a turnip finger. The object is to leak out enough blood onto two dime-sized dots. One thing they stress: keep the slip of paper with the secret code to log in securely and get your results if you ask they email them to you. Hint: do not lie when filling out the card you mail in and be sure your handwriting is legible. It will likely come in handy when the slip of paper doesn’t materialize because you know you will put it someplace secure and will promptly lose it or forget where that spot is hidden.

All of this to say: my A1c was … :::::drumroll please::::: 5.6! It went down .3 points since August. If you go by the Mayo Clinic, they say that 5.6 is a normal level. Other websites state that it needs to be under 5.6. Either way … I am almost there. I will have another test by the local labs in December but this is just so damn exciting. I have worked hard to achieve this goal … along with a weight loss of just over 50 lbs. The scale is moving again in the right direction.

My dad and stepmom came to town for Thanksgiving dinner. It was so nice to have them here. I wasn’t sure what time they were going to arrive. I am so glad I called them when I did … they were 30 minutes out!! Michael suggested to me that I might want to put on pants as I was still in my jammies. I retorted, “I need to shower first!” and quickly jumped into the shower. Michael then observed, “Everyone was just walking around, ‘Oh, I am going to be lazy’ until they heard how soon grandpa and grandma were going to be here!'”  He was quite right.

Dinner was nice. We had lots of food … no one went hungry. My dad has quite the aversion to garlic so the house had been a garlic-free zone for a few days. I even put the heads of garlic in the garage just for him (speaking of which: they can come out of isolation now). Dad noticed the “potatoes” I was making were not quite right by asking, “Why are you making cauliflower!?” He declined to try my cheesy mashed “potatoes”. More for me, I say!

Here is a picture of everyone except myself and my husband.

Untitled

Such a good lookin’ bunch!

After dinner, the football game was paused while we ate (though they were not kind enough to just sit down on the sidelines so we could eat: we took advantage of technology for that) and Dad suggested cleaning up before resuming the game. The men were going to clean up. Instead, they spent an hour or so trying to unclog the drain that some unwitting soul put the peeling of over 5 lbs of potatoes down through the garbage disposal. I promise to never do that again.

So … the dishes sat. A run to the store to get some Liquid Plumber and an hour or so later, still not working. I called the home warranty people and was given a name and number by a very nice lady robot who I never once told to go jump. I don’t usually do well with computers that talk to me like I am some idiot. I have teenagers for that, thankyouverymuch. I waited, not so patiently, for a call from the plumber. I called at 7:50 a.m. today and got a voicemail for a man, not a company. I hung up. Googled the phone number to be sure it was corrected and called back a short time later. Left a voicemail this time.

The owner of the company called me back and told me he would be happy to come out: Tuesday morning! I asked him what sort of company was it that my home warranty referred him to me when he couldn’t handle emergencies? He told me he WAS able to handle them but he was currently booked through that time … oh wait, I might be able to squeeze you in Monday afternoon.

I contacted my Realtor to see if she had any contacts whereby I could talk to a human. She got on it. I talked to her later in the day and decided to try calling the warranty folks a second time and discovered there really was a way to get a human on the line: and in this case, it is NOT pressing 0 repeatedly. That just caused the crazy bitch robot to hang up on me. This human gave me a different name and number. For those local: I would not recommend SOUL-UTIONS Plumbing & Drain Cleaning but would certainly give a two thumbs up for Swoosh Plumbing Services. I called Joe about 2:15 or so and he was here just after 4. It took him about 2 hours to unclog the drain and he had to use the big guns. He apologized for the mess he made and for using towels that Alex had already sacrificed to the plumbing g-ds.

Alex and the kids finished up the dishes (RJ and Michael had already done the silverware in the bathroom sink as it was all dirty and we thought we might need some). It is nice to have my kitchen clean again.

So, Thanksgiving 2012 is winding down and I declare it a success. I hope that yours was, too, and this is just the beginning of a joyous holiday season, whatever holiday you will be celebrating!

Another Doc Visit

(Ooops … adding WP to Minnie, my beloved friend), I saw that I had two draft posts. WTF, I thought? I found this post. From August 21. No wonder I had no comments on it).

Had another visit with my beloved Dr. V yesterday, though I did tell him, as much as I love him, we need to stop meeting like this. I won’t be able to afford monthly visits next year, when I won’t meet my deductible in the first 6 weeks of the plan year. He said we won’t have to meet like this next year. Phew.

He is very pleased with my progress and said  that my  A1C test was in the “pre-disposed for diabetes” category and on the high side of normal for non-diabetics. I asked about changing my diet to a more veggie lifestyle and he agrees with me that “don’t break what is working” is a good motto to follow. Since eating carbs can spike me, and most vegetarian sources of protein are filled with carbs, it worries me to try it. Besides, I really like meat.  Maybe after we move, I will experiment and see what happens.

I have increased my dosage of Gabapentin, from 100 mg to 300 mg, as my toes still hurt and ping all night long. They usually wake me up after an hour or two. And this is on top of the 3 melatonin and two benadryl I take each night. Oh, I throw some naproxen in for good measure, too. I dropped the aspirin once my carotid artery lining stopped hurting.

I also got new scripts for my lancets as I don’t like the one that comes with my current meter and for the 500 mg Metformin for evening use. I am on 1000 mg for daytime use. I am still testing at least 4 times a day and plan on keeping that up for the foreseeable future.

This whole “fasting blood sugar” thing still confuddles me at times. I had nothing out of the ordinary last night, except for a sugar-free, carb-less margarita. One. At 7. With dinner. 2 hour reading was fine. Fasting this a.m. was NOT. Sigh. Does one ever figure things out things like this?

Paleo Diet

I am thinking of changing things up a bit and trying a more Paleo diet. While I am doing low carb right, the paleo might allow me to try a few fruits. I miss fruit. I won’t go crazy and eat three bananas or 7 apples or anything like that. In my quick research, Paleo is still mostly protein.

Anyone have good tips on using Paleo and keeping diabetes under control? Of course, I will still use common sense (which the ADA is lacking when it comes to Type II) and not go wild but maybe a little bit of honey in my low-carb pumpkin pie won’t kill me.

We’ll see … I am doing pretty good with what I have been doing. My fasting this a.m. reminded me of why I like exercising at night. First time in a long time that I got on the bike last night.

Just some musings.

Just that good…

lol Seriously, though, I am. We were having problems with our tv and the sound. It was fading out and not always in the same spot on a recorded show and not all the time. We could watch the show on another television without issue. I was beginning to think it was a problem with the Vizio (brand) of television. We had Once Upon a Time turned all the way up and could not hear it.

A few sites seemed to make me believe it might be the television. A few others gave me a few things to try. We now have SOUND that is not fading in and out and is not at 100%.

I love technology. And I love Google.

Thanksgiving …

is right around the corner and I am eating low carb. How in the hell am I going to pull of things like dressing and pumpkin pie and sweet potato casserole – OH MY! I am Googling until my eyes bug out and there are so many recipes. I don’t think I like the crust ones that have a sweetener in them. I don’t usually put sugar in my flour crusts so why would I now? (Okay, reality check time: I do NOT make pie crusts. I buy them. Premade. Frozen. The only way to make a pie crust in my not-so-humble opinion).

So, over the next few weeks, I will be trying some recipes and seeing what I like and my family will tolerate. I think I will blog them here. What better way to actually remember what we like and don’t like and what was a pain in the butt to make.

Do YOU have any favorite low carb recipes for Thanksgiving you are willing to share? If so, please do. I haven’t tried much baking yet. A bit nervous to try things. Guess I should get over it, eh?

Pumpkin recipes, here I come! YUM.

Crazy busy

Well … we did it. We are now homeowners and living in our new house! It was a nail biter, down the last minute. Our closing was set for 3 p.m. on a Friday and we were told we were approved at 11 a.m. on Thursday. Something weird about Ohio … we had to give the previous owners 15 days to be out. And they didn’t “pay rent”. I didn’t like that. I wanted IN IN IN. Their Realtor was not a pleasant person to work with so we had no idea when they were going to move.

We got a phone call a week later, on a Saturday evening about 8 p.m. that they were out and they gave us the code to the garage door so we could get into the house. RJ still had not been inside the house so we rushed over and were overwhelmed with what they left for us: their front loader DUO washer and dryer, the fridge that fit into the too-small spot for our side-by-side, a couple of bar stools and a patio furniture set. We had already purchased one on clearance so now we have two … which is fine, we have a family of 6 so this will allow for a few visitors to not have to bring their own chairs.

Moving is coming along quite nicely. Mom is completely out of her place … that was accomplished last weekend. Alex has been working hard at our old place to get things ready for one more moving day. He had a momentary freak out today when he looked in the attic … and saw that it was packed. Luckily, it only had a few things at the front and he got it all out and downstairs for moving day #2.

It will take us a while to clear out the garage, I am afraid. I had hopes of having a garage sale this fall but I don’t see that happening. I might be able to pull together something for homeschoolers to come and buy some of our books within the next month but I don’t see a full out garage happening unless I work about 5 hours a night, every night on it. I don’t see THAT happening.

Last night … Maggie was complaining about the crickets driving her batty as she was trying to sleep … ahhh, the lovely sound of the suburbs. I LOVE it. 🙂

Trusting the Process

Those who know me, and not even those who know well will know this: I like to be in control. Of myself. Of the situation. Of others (is that the oldest child syndrome at play?) I don’t like relying on others to do for me. When I fell, I needed help with everything (thank goddess my daughter was home!). It was hard to accept help in all areas of my life.

Please note: I appreciated the help; I couldn’t have done it on my own. I just didn’t LIKE being reliant on others. It is hard. I also know those who did for me, didn’t resent it and were happy to help out. Judi was at the ER with me; Andi came over and sat with my two youngest kids while I was carted off in an ambulance and helped them clean up the bloody porch and brought me food I could eat as well as stuff for my broken teeth. She even cut off some of the hamburger meat my gums that were getting caught between my teeth. When I went back to work with a broken elbow on the left and a broken hand on the right, people helped with water and gave me rides home until I was cleared to drive.

Right now, we are still in the Waiting Game of house buying. We have a closing date and even a time set for Friday. I still don’t know that we have the mortgage loan. I need to trust the process. I know all will be well. I know it will all work out as it should. I want it to work out how I want it to (and the biggest part of my heart believes it will). There is always that small part of doubt.

Do I deserve it? Have I worked hard enough to earn it? What will people think if we are denied? My parents? My friends? Other family members? The realtor? The people from whom we are purchasing the house (I really wanted to end this sentence with a preposition!)

The biggest worry is there something we need to do for it to be approved. I can and will do it … but I don’t want to do it if I am not 100% sure we WILL be approved. It will cause a hardship in other areas that I don’t want to happen or have to figure out what the next step is.

I am working very hard to let go and trust the process. That is what is all about anyway, right? We can’t control the outcome of most things. Heck, even if we think we are in control, most of the time it is not up to just US. We can be leaving for an evening with friends and trip on the front porch. We can be getting out of our vehicles, parked safely in front our home and be rammed into by a drunk hopped on alcohol and speed.

Patience has never been high on my list of qualities. I remember being so frustrated that Maggie was “four weeks” late. She was my third baby. I was done. Ready to have my supposed little girl (we never really were sure) with me on the outside. How can a third child be so late, you ask? Well … she was ONLY a week late but my midwives were happy with getting a woman to 37 weeks, we could safely deliver at the birthing center anytime after that. So … in my mind, I was ready for her in mid-to late January. She didn’t arrive until February 18th, 6 days after her “due” date of the 12th. Hell, I figured she would be at least a week early as RJ was a week late, Michael right on his due date. It should have worked that way, right?

While I have had to hold back a few tears writing this … it helps me to get it out there. I will be okay, no matter what. It will work as it should. Worry won’t help me or change the outcome. That is the hardest part. I worry and worry and then it all works out for me. It really does. I don’t know how or why but things ALWAYS work out for me. Whether it be getting jobs I really needed. Finding a car that I needed in my price range. Finding a house to rent (when our landlord decided to sell the too-small house we were living in 8 years ago). It.just.does.

My mom has sent me a few quotes in the past couple of days. Two of them came from today@nealedonaldwalsch.com They are copied below:

…that rushing around to fix everything, or to “get ready,”
is not going to do you more good.

Move resolutely, but don’t rush. There’s a difference.
Rushing removes resolution, often replacing it with
panic or irrationality or, at best,
not well thought-out choices.

So keep moving. Don’t stop. But don’t rush. Don’t
race around. Sure and steady gets you there
every time.

You know exactly why you received this message.

And the second one:

…that you can be happy right here, not tomorrow, not
in ten minutes, but now. You can be happy right now.

Byron Katie said that, and she is right. Happiness is
allowing yourself to be okay with what is, rather than
wishing for, and bemoaning, what is not.

Obviously, what is is what is supposed to be, or it
would not be. The rest is just you, arguing with life.
Somewhere along the way you will have to learn to
just Trust Life. (Read that, “Trust God.”)

Why not start today?

Pretty powerful stuff … and exactly what I needed to hear. And believe. And act on. Easier said than done. I figured putting it on paper for my limited world to see might help me. Besides, at least a few of you will read this and send us positive vibes that it all works out in our favor.

So I will trust the process. And won’t cry over the agony of waiting. Today. Can’t change yesterday’s tears.